Nattlige tanker

I dag, mens jeg kjørte runden min, oppdaget jeg detaljene i sangen "Rope Ends" av Pain of Salvation. Jeg har hele tiden visst at den handler om en dame som tar selvmord, men hvor sterk og innholdsrik teksten er, har jeg ikke fått med meg før nå.

She is still young...
Another day of emptiness
This life is wearing her down
The room around her is a mess
Her children safe with her mom
She is still young but feeling old
Two children with different fathers
She sits on the bathroom floor alone
The shower chain broke
Her neck hurts
Then another night of emptiness to wear her down
Naked to the world she wraps her sadness in a gown
Her children fast asleep she sears the dark with glassy eyes
Choosing carefully among her husband's business ties
Over! she cries through rope ends and silk ties
Beautiful life escaping her young blue eyes
But life holds her hand, refusing to let go
Leaving her breathing on the floor
They're still asleep don't hear her cry
And she's still obsessed with rope ends
This time she picks a stronger tie
With Winnie the Pooh and friends
She is still young but feeling old
A child dying to be a mother
Now she hangs from the ceiling all alone
All pressure is falling from her
Seeing guilt has taught her guilt she's raised on disbelief
Merely twenty beautiful but with a taste for grief
She has learnt all that there is to know about hopelessness
Seeing that no effort in this world can stand her test
Over! she cries through rope ends and silk ties
Beautiful life escaping her young blue eyes
And Winnie is strong, would never let her fall
Prevents her from breathing till she's not there at all
But life holds her hands, refusing to let go
Leaving her breathing on the floor
Seeing guilt has taught her guilt she's raised on disbelief
Merely twenty beautiful but with a taste for grief
She has learnt all that there is to know about helplessness
Seeing that no caring in this world can ease her stress
Helpless she lies in rope ends and undies
Unseeing eyes fixating Eeyore's smile
Over! she cries as she's going unblind
Still in this life
Still in this troubled mind
The ceiling let go, the old house let her fall
Dropping her breathing to the hard cold floor
Hitting her head - a broken china soul
Red stains on porcelain and she's not there at all
Breathing she cries for rope ends and silk ties
Beautiful eyes Piglet stands shy behind
Broken she lies undead and unblind
Beautiful life
Beautiful crying young eyes
Blackened and bruised, learning how to see
Staring at her tooth - crimsoned ivory
Hours they pass this broken china soul
Red stains on porcelain
And she's not there at all...

En annen sang som har gått inn på meg, spesielt den siste uken, er "Evil in a Closet" med In Flames. For en ukes tid siden søkte jeg opp teksten på nett på mobilen mens jeg hørte på den, og den sterke lyrikken som ligger i grunnen for sangen greier virkelig å formidle hvordan depresjon føles.

We were one in words
You finished my sentence
I can never attract tomorrow
It pushes me aside

I sink in waters deep
Your presence kept me floating
Far from depths where secrets lie
Maybe in another lifetime
I could be the first you meet

I once read a poem
Held my breath
But that moment's gone
First time I felt life somewhat hurts
I need an option, a reason and some hope

Yell at me, I want to be your light that shines
But my ground is shaking and I might fall
I wish that I could say... I wish that I could be your evil...evil in a closet

Yell at me, I want to be your light that shines
But my ground is shaking and I might fall
I wish that I could say... I wish that I could be your evil...evil in a closet

Det er allerede gått tre år siden jeg begynte å få behandling. Det har gått litt over tre år siden jeg snakket med Charlotte på Trollstigen, og det har gått mellom tre og et halvt og fire år siden det begynte å bli for ille til at jeg skulle ha holdt kjeft om det. Det er rart å tenke på at jeg for bare et halvannet års tid siden ble så lammet av mine egne tanker at jeg ikke greide å komme meg ut av badet; at det ikke er mer enn et halvannet års tid siden jeg brukte tauet jeg fant til å kjenne på følelsen av kvelning litt for mye mens jeg var på vaskejobb i Innfjorden; at jeg på den tiden brukte morgener og kvelder da jeg vasket meg, til å kjenne på hvordan en drukning ville føles i begynnelsen, og ikke minst at jeg så meg selv som lik over alt hvor jeg gikk.
Jeg kan se tilbake på det nå. Det er et tilbakelagt kapittel som jeg har lært mye av, men som jeg ikke har tenkt å åpne opp igjen. Likevel, i det siste har ugunstige tanker begynt å åle seg inn i hodet mitt igjen, og truer meg med å overta kontrollen igjen, hvis jeg ikke gjør noe drastisk.