Jeg fikk spørsmålet som alltid er hyggelig ment, men sjelden er gjennomtenkt, om hvordan jeg har det i dag (dog den som spurte vet jeg alltid er reflektert hva gjelder slike spørsmål). Jeg forsøkte å svare på det, for for en gangs skyld å få tenkt gjennom det. Her er svaret på How are you?
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Jeg beklager overfor de som synes jeg er klagete. For en sjelden gangs skyld synes jeg det er på tide at jeg er ærlig med meg selv her på denne plassen, som tross alt er min blogg. Derfor har jeg latt svaret nedenfor stå uredigert.
Absolutely horrid. I am exceedingly exhausted. It took me five minutes to finish walking the stairs, and I was going downstairs. I zoned out completely in the store, feeling quite embarassed as one of the girls I know there greeted me, and I didn’t even see anyone standing in front of me till after a second or two. I fantasise about punching all of it away until I succumb to the physical pain of it all, being found later, preferably too late, blood everywhere.
I wanted to go training, just to get some peace of mind. Some simple thing Kjersti said had me lost for not words, but thoughts. I couldn’t focus on a single thought for a long time, the only thing I could think of was my worries about money. All she did was suggest we went to Jekta to have sushi; all I thought of was impending financial doom. I’m back home now after having been to the shop; I got through it, after a while, spending some fifteen minutes to buy four items. I want to lie down, sleeping, though I can’t do that now, can I? I want to spend time with everyone who’d like me to, though I can’t; there just is not enough time for it, and right now, I would rather cut off all contact with everyone, and stay shut off from everyone, permanently.
I can’t really do those things, can I? If only I could get some time off, as much as I wanted, until I felt like I had recuperated, like I had regained enough energy to be contributive. As of now, I feel more like a leech. Actually, I rather wish I could be just that, and have nobody mind it, but I know I’m not. When I am out of energy, and see someone feeling the same, I’d rather put on the stern mask of helpfulness, and forget about any and all emotions I myself might have, so that anyone watching, might think I am alright. Having people believing I’m doing well, is so much easier. because then I wouldn’t have to answer anyone’s question of how I am.
How am I? I am. That’s about it.
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